


Sexy Jutsu

by FriendshipCastle



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, Ninja Sex Ed, T for adult conversations but no adult content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 19:50:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3146513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendshipCastle/pseuds/FriendshipCastle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Naruto gets The Talk in horrible, roundabout ways over a long period of time and then never actually uses any of that hardwon knowledge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sexy Jutsu

Naruto squinted at the magazine. “And I just say who I think is pretty?”

“Yeah,” said Kiba. “There’s a lot of different options. My sister’s got some magazines too. I could sell em to you for a few bucks.”

“Yeah? Are they different from these?” Naruto waved the flimsy paper absently, then turned the page.

“There’s dudes in some of them,” Kiba said with a shrug. “In the same kind of situations.”

“Dudes are pretty?” Naruto asked, clearly shocked. “But why put them in magazines without any clothes on?”

“Look,” Kiba said with a sigh, “if you’re too dumb to get it, that’s fine—”

“I DIDN’T SAY THAT,” Naruto snapped. He glared down at the magazine as if it was a math equation he had no hope of solving. “Uh. Is it because, uh. Hm.”

“This is just sad,” Kiba said. On his head, Akamaru yapped agreement.

Naruto passed him back his magazine. “Everyone in it was pretty, okay? I definitely get it.”

“You even know what your dick does?” Kiba asked.

“I’m _twelve_ , Kiba, of course I know how to pee,” Naruto said sarcastically. “Sheesh. I figured that out just fine. I can even pee my name in the snow.”

“I’m gonna pretend I never heard that,” Kiba said. He glanced down at the magazine, then held it out to Naruto again. “Look, maybe if you, like, hang on to this for a while? Uh. Check it out when you’re alone maybe? You’ll figure it out. I gotta go, Mom’s gonna be yelling for me soon.”

Naruto was left holding a magazine labelled ‘Sexy Peaches of the Sand’ and feeling very confused. He flipped through it again. He saw naked guys any time he went to public baths (which was not as often as he should go, but still). This was the first time he’d seen naked girls, though. The magazine was certainly enlightening about a few aspects of female anatomy he’d never fully understood before. Girls looked pretty soft. They hit hard, though, so now he had to wonder where they stored all that raw, horrible rage-power. 

He looked down at himself. Naruto was pretty small and while his constant diet of ramen kept him from getting too skinny, he definitely didn’t have the cushy curves that, say, Choji possessed. So, boys could be sort of curvy but girls were _very_ curvy? That didn’t line up with any of his classmates, though. Sakura was definitely pretty but she looked about the same as Naruto from the neck down, even if she was cleaner than he was and her clothes were nicer. He couldn’t say _why_ he thought she was pretty, though. Her eyes were a great color and she yelled as loudly as he did sometimes and she smelled good, that was about all her could articulate. She had a great smile (one she only really aimed at that asshole Sasuke, unfortunately) and sometimes she didn’t punch Naruto in the head even when he accidentally started shouting that he loved her. None of those qualities came through in glossy magazine photos, though. Maybe that’s why he didn’t understand what Kiba was trying to tell him.

He looked at the pages again, trying to find something that would set a girl apart so he could point to her and say, “She’s pretty” and maybe get Kiba to think he knew what the point of this stupid magazine was. They had different hair colors, that was the most obvious distinguishing trait. One had Sakura’s pink hair, but it was impractically long and she was making a really weird face.

Some of the girls were super bendy, and that was cool. Naruto wondered who trained them in taijutsu because one girl looked like she was trying to get her feet behind her head, which was a pretty tough move. Was that a quality he could say made a girl attractive? Good at taijutsu? He wasn’t sure but it didn’t sound super convincing.

He couldn’t critique their dress-sense because they didn’t have any clothes on.

Naruto could not figure this out. He turned the magazine around a few different ways, scraped a hand through his ratty yellow hair (he needed to cut it again soon, it was getting too long), and wondered what made girls pretty. Kiba had suggested that there were many different kinds of these magazines. Naruto would have to check next time he went to the corner store to see if they’d sell him cigarettes now that he was a full week older than last time. Cigarettes looked cool and smelled bad, so Naruto had been curious about them for a while. Now he was curious if there was a magazine that had his type of girl, whatever that was.

He checked the magazine a final time when he got home but nothing had changed. He went to bed wondering what the hell Kiba had expected to happen when Naruto looked through it in different locations.

 

 

 

 

Naruto woke up from dreams of loud, bendy girls with a wonderful idea. Why look at pictures of girls when he could just turn himself into one and see what all the fuss was about?! He could practice his jutsu and also double-check that he wasn’t missing out on something about understanding pretty girls at the same time! He needed to work on clone techniques, but if he just tweaked the clone image and superimposed it on himself… Or if he tried an illusion, though he wasn’t good at those either…

He hopped out of bed, chucked his sleep hat on the bedpost, and concentrated. It took a long moment for him to realize that he had no idea what he should picture. He yanked Kiba’s magazine out from under his bed (it had gotten kinda creased in the few hours Naruto has had it in his possession) and flipped the pages for inspiration. He just needed to change how his body was shaped and add some length to his hair…

 

 

 

 

It still didn’t make sense. Naruto poked at himself and just didn’t understand where prettiness hid in the human body. He gave up, poofed back to his regular body, and passed Kiba back his magazine on the way to school. 

“You’re kinda young for your age,” Kiba said. Akamaru yapped and yawned from atop his master’s head.

Naruto just shrugged. “I guess. Seems pretty pointless to me.”

“You’ll learn,” Kiba said. He tried to put on an air of mystery but Akamaru sneezed and it ruined the effect. Kiba ran off to escape embarrassment and Naruto was left to walk to school alone, as per usual. He felt a huge twitch of regret. If he’d lied about understanding Sexy Peaches of the Sand, maybe Kiba would stop making fun of him in class. But then again, who knew with Kiba? Better to focus on becoming Hokage, Naruto told himself.

 

 

 

 

It was absolutely astounding the first time Naruto panicked in class and performed what he called Sexy Jutsu in front of his teacher. Iruka-sensei blushed bright red and yelled at him to stop, shrieked about inappropriate use of jutsu, couldn’t look him in the eye (or anywhere at all). Naruto poofed himself back to twelve years old and scrawny in his orange. 

That was unexpected.

A wicked grin spread across his face. Iruka-sensei had _really_ freaked out. No way he could ignore Naruto during a Sexy Jutsu. Naruto was gonna do it again for sure.

 

 

 

 

It turned out that people reacted to Sexy Jutsu in a few different ways. Naruto’s classmates rolled their eyes at him and grumbled about how he was so desperate for attention. Most of the adult guys either blushed or stared or leered, which was pretty weird. All the women tried to smack him or throw things at him in disgust. 

Kakashi, funnily enough, responded like Naruto’s peers instead of like an adult guy. It was unexpected considering the fact that Kakashi was a well-known weirdo who read erotic novels in public. But Sexy Jutsu was apparently not enough to make Kakashi forget that Naruto was under that layer of illusion. Kakashi swatted at the fluffy, sensual clouds of Sexy Jutsu with his latest porn book and grumbled, “You have to learn to actually do a regular clone jutsu someday, Naruto. You can’t be a half-assed illusion prostitute forever.”

“What does that even mean?” Naruto yelled. He tried to cross his arms but forgot that his boobs were in the way, so he poofed back down to thirteen again. “I’m not an illusion prostitute!”

“Yeah yeah yeah, practice chakra control,” Kakashi said.

One guy in the village offered to pay him a bunch of money to keep Sexy Jutsu going for like five minutes but Naruto thought he was pretty gross and turned him down. He was complaining about it one day to Iruka-sensei, though, and his ex-teacher choked on ramen broth.

“Who was it?” he said when he could breathe again.

Naruto shrugged. “I dunno. Just a guy.”

“Point him out to me if you ever see him again, okay?” Iruka-sensei said. He glared into his ramen. Looking at the expression on Iruka-sensei’s face, Naruto remembered that his ex-teacher was a ninja and had probably killed at least a couple people in his time at Konoha. Naruto slapped him on the shoulder a few times to get him to stop looking so murderous and went back to shoveling ramen in his face.

“Naruto?” Iruka-sensei asked him after a moment.

Naruto grunted around a mouthful of noodles.

“Why did you invent, ah, Sexy Jutsu?”

Naruto chewed and swallowed. “Kiba had me look at some magazine of girls but I couldn’t figure out which one I thought was pretty, so I turned in to one to see if it was easier to tell what was pretty when I _was_ a girl. But it didn’t work. But it freaked you out real good, Iruka-sensei!” Naruto snickered, remembering how horrified Iruka-sensei always was when he performed Sexy Jutsu.

Iruka-sensei wasn’t laughing. “Naruto, do you read Kakashi-sensei’s books at all?”

“No?” Naruto said, puzzled. “They’re boring.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I never get more than like a chapter in. The fight scenes are okay but then it gets all kissy and I don’t care anymore. Hey, your food’s gonna get cold if you don’t eat it.”

Iruka-sensei was still glaring into his bowl. “No one’s given you The Talk?”

Naruto shrugged. “Not a lot of people talk to me, Iruka-sensei. You know that. Basically just you. Kakashi and Sakura and Sasuke do on missions, I guess, but that’s about it. I dunno what talk they’re supposed to give me.” He went back to finishing off his third bowl of ramen.

Iruka-sensei took a deep breath. “Okay. Uh.” He glanced around the ramen shop. There were a few customers lingering by the counter, but they got a meal to go and then it was just Iruka-sensei and Naruto left. Iruka-sensei took another deep breath. “So, uh, do you— Have you heard about— Um. So babies.”

Naruto blinked at him.

“Where babies come from,” Iruka-sensei said, like he was apologizing for the statement.

“Yeah?” Naruto said.

“Do you know?”

Naruto thought. “Uh. Did we cover it in class?”

“No!” Iruka-sensei sounded shocked.

At least Naruto wasn’t going to get yelled at for not paying attention in school again. “Oh. Then no. Never really thought about it.”

Iruka-sensei sighed. “Okay. Well. This is related to those people who ask about your Sexy Jutsu, all right? It will take me a little bit to get there but. Just bear with me.”

“Okay…?”

“See, babies come from a man and a woman having sex,” Iruka-sensei said, and Naruto started screaming.

 

 

 

 

Naruto really wished he wasn’t such a shitty ninja. It took seconds for Iruka-sensei hit a few pressure points and render him paralyzed and mute on the floor of the ramen shop. He lay there making a soft groaning noise of horror that couldn’t quite drown out Iruka-sensei’s red-faced lecture on human reproduction.

“…So, that’s how humans have babies biologically. There have been some experiments performed by research ninja that explore alternatives to biological children, but, uh. That’s not really the point of this lecture. Um. This is more about the sex part.”

Naruto groaned especially loudly.

“I’m not enjoying this process either, Naruto,” Iruka-sensei said. “But someone should have told you this back when Kiba passed you those damn magazines, so you sit there and you _listen_ to me for once, got it?”

Naruto rolled his eyes back into his head and tried to fake his own death.

Iruka-sensei flicked him on the forehead. “Okay, so a lot of people like the experience of sex. With each other or with themselves, and it isn’t all about having children.”

Naruto’s brows knit in confusion. He grunted a query.

“Don’t start yelling, okay?” Iruka-sensei said, and he hit one pressure point.

Naruto worked his jaw for a moment, then asked, “With _themselves_ , Iruka-sensei?”

“It’s called masturbation,” Iruka-sensei said, blushing even harder. His eyes were narrowed with determination, though, and his voice was steady. “And that’s what Kiba was implying with those dirty magazines. That you’d figure out how to, ah.”

Naruto’s eyes widened in wonder. “Ohhhhhhh okay. What? Ew.”

“Yes. Well.” Iruka-sensei cleared his throat. “Ah, anyway. You should never, ever let people put you in a situation where you feel like they’re trying to take advantage of you in a sexual way, all right?”

“How can I tell they’re gonna try and do that kind of thing with me?” Naruto asked. “Like, some girl wants me to get her pregnant so she’d ask, right? And I’d say no and—”

“Oh my god,” Iruka-sensei said quietly. He sank his fingers into his hairline and took deep breaths for a moment. “Why me?”

“Yo,” Kakashi said from where he was leaning against the doorway to the ramen shop. “What’s up?”

“Sh— Sugar!” Iruka-sensei yelped.

“Hey, hey, Kakashi!” Naruto said. “Help! Iruka-sensei’s talking about sex and it’s horrible! Get me out of here!”

“You’re a stronger man than me, Iruka,” Kakashi said. Behind his mask, Naruto could see his eye crinkling with amusement. “I’m glad I didn’t have to do this part of teaching brats.”

“Times like these,” Iruka-sensei said, “I really miss going into the field. An S-rank, near-death mission would be better than this.”

Naruto wasn’t going to be getting any help from his team leader, that was clear. While they were distracted Naruto tried to test if Iruka-sensei’s pressure-point paralysis had worn off yet. Before he could feel triumphant about the fact that he was able to wiggle his fingers now, Kakashi ducked under the awning and settled bonelessly into the seat Naruto had abandoned when he tried to flee. He placed his feet on Naruto’s chest and crossed his ankles, pinning him down.

“Oof,” Naruto gasped. Kakashi was _heavy_.

“So now you’re gonna keep him from getting molested, yeah?” Kakashi said to Iruka-sensei.

“It was my hope, yes,” Iruka-sensei said. “I didn’t realize that he had no idea what Sexy Jutsu, ah, _suggested_ to people.”

“Me neither,” Kakashi said. “He’s even denser than I gave him credit for.”

“Hey,” Naruto protested weakly. 

Kakashi turned his gaze on Naruto. “This is important, Naruto,” he said calmly. “Most ninja suck at interpersonal relationships. You’re pretty bad, but some of us are even worse. You’re getting a crash course in human interactions here. Appreciate it.”

“I hate you both,” Naruto said.

Kakashi leaned forward, pushing even more weight on Naruto’s chest. “What was that?”

Naruto could only wheeze, spit flying from his mouth and spattering back on his own face.

“Thought so,” Kakashi said. He shoved Naruto’s last empty ramen bowl aside and propped himself back on his elbows. “Carry on, Iruka. You were getting to the good part.”

“This isn’t one of your f— your effing _novels_ ,” Iruka-sensei snapped.

Kakashi just waved him on.

Iruka-sensei looked down at Naruto. “Okay. Um. So, remember when you told me about kissing Sasuke?”

“WHAT,” Naruto yelled. 

Kakashi stared at the ceiling as if he hadn’t heard anything.

“Well,” Iruka-sensei continued doggedly, “sometimes people find that they are attracted to people of the same gender. Or to certain people regardless of gender. And that’s absolutely fine, no one should make you feel bad about your preferences. If they do, you ignore them. If you want to be with someone of the same sex you can’t have biological children but—”

“I’m don’t want to have babies with Sasuke!” Naruto wailed.

Kakashi gave a hiccuping cough.

Iruka-sensei glared at him but continued speaking to Naruto. “I didn’t say you _did_ , I just wanted to make a point. Actions you take with people, like kissing or, uh, or using Sexy Jutsu, those send signals.”

“I don’t want to kiss Sasuke! It was an accident the first time! I DON’T WANT TO—”

“Yes, okay, I get it,” Iruka-sensei said. “I’m trying to tell you that if you kiss _other_ people, though, they may take it as an invitation.”

“Eh?”

“Um. To have sex.”

Naruto stared. “So kissing means sex?”

“ _No_ ,” Iruka-sensei said. “Absolutely not. It can mean a lot of things. But you should be careful that the person you kiss is clear on what you mean, and that they don’t try to use it as proof that you want to engage in other activities. Especially if they’re older. Don’t kiss people older than you. Um. Does that make sense?”

Naruto frowned. “I guess. Yeah.”

“Boundaries,” Kakashi told the ceiling. “I think that’s the word you’re looking for.”

“Exactly,” Iruka-sensei said quickly. “You’re the one who decides what you’re going to do with people, and so you can set those boundaries. And tell people if they cross them.”

“And if they cross the even after you told ‘em not to, you can stick ‘em full of kunai,” Kakashi said.

“You should really _tell someone_ ,” Iruka-sensei said with a pointed glare at Kakashi. “That’s what you should do _first_ , ideally, but. Kunai if you must.”

“Um. Okay,” Naruto said. “Are we done?”

“No,” Iruka-sensei said. “I want to explain why using Sexy Jutsu isn’t a good idea.”

“Cuz it makes you all red and flustered!” Naruto laughed.

Iruka-sensei’s mouth flattened out to a line that ran parallel to the scar across his nose. “No. Because it’s another one of those things that could be interpreted as an invitation. Or, at least it suggests you know what sex is and you’re trying to entice people.”

“What?”

Iruka-sensei looked at Kakashi helplessly. “Um?”

Kakashi studied the ceiling. “When you’re maintaining Sexy Jutsu, it makes people think about having sex. With you.”

“Ew!” Naruto gasped.

“Sex isn’t necessarily gross,” Iruka-sensei said hastily, but Kakashi was talking over him.

“You know, Iruka here’s doing a great job letting you know all this stuff about sex, but he’s not telling you it’s totally fine if you never want to bone someone. So, I'll put that out there, you don’t have to worry about it if you don’t want to. And you make sure to be clear with people who ask that you’re not interested. Got it?”

“Yeah, okay, can I go now?” Naruto asked, wriggling as best he could. He was getting feeling back in his body but it still felt heavy and uncomfortable, not entirely under his control.

Kakashi and Iruka-sensei looked at each other, then back at Naruto.

“Don’t have sex without condoms?” Iruka-sensei offered. "Um. You probably don't need to know about those for a while."

“Don’t even think about doing it with another person any time soon. Not for years and years,” Kakashi advised. “If at all. Having kids ain't allowed until you've survived into your twenties anyway. Focus on training, got it? You need all the focus you can spare because you’re terrible.”

“Kakashi!” Iruka-sensei said, furiously offended on Naruto’s account.

“Yeah, okay, can I go _now_?” Naruto repeated.

“Yes,” Iruka-sensei sighed, and he shoved Kakashi’s feet off Naruto before hitting the correct pressure points.

“You owe me so much ramen,” Naruto said, massaging his chest. “That was torture.”

“Well, the feeling was mutual,” Iruka-sensei grumbled. “But don’t forget, you come to me if there’s any questions that come up, all right? Or you can talk to Kakash—”

“Don’t volunteer me,” Kakashi said quickly, raising both hands up to ward off Iruka-sensei’s next words.

Iruka-sensei rolled his eyes. “Okay, just me then. About anything at all, got it?”

Naruto stuck his tongue out. “You guys are so gross.”

Iruka-sensei buried his face in his hands and Kakashi grinned behind his mask.

 

 

 

 

After he learned to do more than just Sexy Jutsu, he didn’t use it as much. For a while, Sexy Jutsu was all he could do and so he did it all the time. With a few other jutsu he could use in a pinch (Shadow Clones were the _shit_ ) there was not as much reason to pull up naked lady illusions to incapacitate people. He especially stopped using that technique after Jiraya started asking him about Sexy Jutsu techniques. He was a freakin’ kid! Jiraya knew that! What kind of perv asks a kid about that kind of thing anyway? It got really weird when people start asking Naruto about things that normally only come up when he was holding the form of a pretty naked woman. When he was on a team with Sai, that guy was especially creepy, always trying to talk about his dick.

“It’s _super suspicious_ , Sakura,” Naruto said over dinner. Sai was somewhere else, standing guard, and Naruto can’t keep it quiet anymore. “I’m not into him but he keeps talking about my wiener! What’s up with that?”

“Please stop telling me about this kind of shit,” she sighed.

Yamato leaned over. “Naruto, you do recall that Sai had an unusual upbringing, right?”

“So did I!” Naruto snapped. “I don’t go trying to compare dick sizes with other guys, though! It’s none of their business and it’s creepy!”

“You turned into a naked lady for years,” Sakura reminded him. “ _Several_ naked ladies sometimes.”

“We’re on a _mission_ , though. It’s inappropriate,” Naruto insisted.

“Like that ever stopped you.”

“He keeps calling you ugly,” Naruto reminded her. He slapped a hand over his mouth immediately but the damage was done. Naruto had to sleep up in a tree after that one.

Yamato joined him in his arboreal exile for a little while. “I heard from Kakashi-senpai that you got The Talk from Iruka a few years ago.”

“Worst. Day. Ever,” Naruto said. He was curled up on a tree branch that had flattened out into a comfortably wide sleeping platform when Yamato appeared beside him.

Yamato looked down at the campfire far below them. “You know the leader of ANBU, Danzo?”

“Bandage Dude, yeah?”

“Do you think he’s the type of man to give The Talk to his subordinates?”

Naruto snorted with laughter. “Oh my god, no.”

“So what do you think Sai understands about appropriate behavior?”

Naruto stopped laughing. “…Huh.”

“I don’t think he’s dangerous to you or your person,” Yamato said. “I do think you could try to be more understanding, though. ANBU is a difficult organization to learn social cues from. Especially when you start young, as Sai did. Or as I did.”

“So are you gonna give him The Talk then, Yamato?” Naruto asked, smirking.

Yamato cleared his throat. “Uh. I think there are other people more qualified than me to, uh.”

Naruto sat up. “Yamato?”

Yamato looked at him.

“Have you never done it?” Naruto whispered, and then he started giggling.

Yamato hopped down from the tree without answering. The platform contracted back into a knobbly tree branch. Perhaps it was even more lumpy and uncomfortable than it had been _before_ Yamato showed up.

“Shit,” Naruto grumbled. He really needed to be more careful about what he said to his teammates. They were dangerous ninjas, after all. Vain and prudish and pervy ninjas. And here he was, with all the theory The Talk had imparted but zero experience of his own, an innocent flower stuck in a fucking tree. Things were simpler back when it was just him and his Sexy Jutsu against the world.

**Author's Note:**

> In rewatching bits of _Naruto_ and _Naruto Shippuden_ I kept getting distracted by how inconsistently sexuality is portrayed. Sexy Jutsu in particular has always been kinda freaky to me. He's flippin' twelve/thirteen, man. And then he teaches like an eight-year-old. And he doesn't really seem to get why it works? And then he hangs out with a guy who writes porn for a living but he doesn't care, and he kinda tries to peek on girls but not really, and the SAI EXISTS and in the end I imagine they're trying to play sex jokes for laffs but I don't care, I'm gonna analyze it how I want.
> 
> Ace Naruto or just a late bloomer? My money's on the latter but you can think what you like.
> 
> At first I was like "Who the fuck would have porn when they were twelve? Who would have access to that without a computer?" And then I realized, Kiba via his badass bi older sister.
> 
> Iruka stopping himself from swearing around his kids gives me life.


End file.
